


Whom You Leave Shackled By Love

by botherd



Category: Gemma Doyle Trilogy - Libba Bray
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-12-20
Updated: 2008-12-20
Packaged: 2018-01-25 05:10:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,762
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1633229
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/botherd/pseuds/botherd
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Felicity thinks back on her time with Pippa.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Whom You Leave Shackled By Love

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to Zel for the last-minute cheerleading! Title from a poem by Sappho.
> 
> Written for bribitribbit

 

 

Felicity still remembers the first time she set foot inside Spence's great doors. It was winter, two short weeks after her mother disappeared to France, but despite the cold Felicity did not shiver. She was too busy taking stock of the place to pay mind to the chill in the air. The place was grand enough, she supposed, though stern and imposing; her heart longed for the warmer air and opulence of Paris.

After a short interview with Mrs Nightwing, each of them appraising the other and drawing more or less positive conclusions, Felicity was finally allowed to meet the other girls. Practically bursting with anticipation, she pushed open the doors to the Great Hall, but the bubble of excitement was soon popped: not a single one of the girls turned to look at her as she made her entrance, let alone fell over themselves to make her acquaintance.

She frowned. This was not the way it was supposed to happen.

"Go and make friends," Brigid said, giving her a small push into the room like she was a shy little child.

The girls, still oblivious to Felicity's presence, were scattered around the room in small groups. Holding court in one corner was what looked like the oldest girl there, surrounded by other girls similarly mature, but Felicity gave them a wide berth. Best to find her peers. She cast a glance around the hall, taking in the sea of plain girls in identical uniforms, each one blending into the next. And then her eyes alighted upon an altogether different specimen: a tall girl, around her own age, with long dark hair and curiously-coloured eyes. She was easily the most beautiful creature in the room.

Felicity made a beeline for the girl and, upon reaching her, extended her hand.

"My name is Felicity Worthington. It's a pleasure to meet you."

The girl looked at her from under long, dark lashes. "Pippa Cross." She took Felicity's hand, and Felicity shivered at the touch.

She smiled. "I have a feeling we're going to be great friends."

\---

Her prediction was correct, naturally. With the greatest of ease, Felicity integrated herself into Spence life. She alternately charmed and infuriated both her teachers and her peers, and as weeks and months and years slipped by, she and Pippa became thick as thieves.

After a few months of friendship, the insufferable bore that Pippa shared a room with, Margaret, left for Italy with her family, and Felicity jumped on the opportunity. She petitioned Mrs Nightwing personally to be allowed to share with Pippa and Mrs Nightwing acquiesced, no doubt sensing the trouble that Felicity would cause if she refused her request.

"This is so much more agreeable than sharing with Margaret," Pippa said on their first night together. "Do you know she would demand silence as she read her dusty old books before bed!" She sat in front of the mirror as Felicity watched, entranced by the shimmer of candlelight on Pippa's hair as she brushed it.

"You know there's no danger of that with me," Felicity said with a laugh. "You shall soon be praying for Margaret to return, because I never shut up."

"Never," Pippa said, and when she smiled at her in the mirror, Felicity felt a peculiar blush creep over her cheeks.

\---

Felicity can't pinpoint the moment when her life changed, but she knows that it happened before Gemma ever came to Spence and showed them the realms. No matter how hard she searches through the fog of her memory, she can never determine the precise point where her feelings for Pippa changed; she can only remember the shock of realisation that they _had_ changed, that this strange insidious desire had crept up on her unawares.

There was nothing outwardly special about the day. It was a Sunday in April, the April before Gemma arrived, and they were all sitting outside on the grass and enjoying the sunshine. Cecily was wittering on about whatever frivolous things were occupying her mind and Felicity was bored, but not bored enough to interject and take hold of the conversation. Pippa was sitting at her side, leaning back on her left hand and idly playing with a daisy in her right, while Felicity watched her. Her eyes roamed over her face, taking in those familiar eyes, that elegant nose, but without fail they always returned to her lips. And it was then, on that temperate Sunday afternoon in April, that the thought sprung fully-formed into Felicity's mind: _I should like to kiss her._

\---

It wasn't until much later--shortly after Gemma arrived--that she discovered a name for it. Felicity was creeping around near the kitchens, trying to wrangle some extra food after a less-than-sufficient dinner, when she heard the kitchen staff talking. She missed the start of the conversation so she had no idea who they were gossiping about, but she remembers with startling clarity the accusation levelled at this poor unsuspecting woman.

"I heard that she's a _Sapphist_."

Shocked gasps and strangled cries filled the air; Felicity pressed her ear closer to the door, wondering what on earth that word could mean but knowing that it must be terrible.

She listened to the rest of their discussion, trying to understand, and when the penny finally dropped she fled--not back to her room where Pippa would be waiting, sin made flesh, but to the bathroom. She locked herself in and splashed water on her face, but she couldn't bring herself to look in the mirror. Two thoughts filled her mind: _so I'm not the only one_ , and, _it's just as bad as I thought_.

She tried to prove herself wrong by embarking on an affair with a gypsy boy. It didn't end well.

\---

Coming back from their first visit to the realms, Felicity tingled all over like the magic had entered her and was still coursing through her veins. As they walked back to bed, she could see the same sensation written on her friends' faces, a persistent vibrating glee that shone out of their expressions and buoyed them up. The walls of Spence, which usually loomed so oppressively, felt as though they could not possibly contain them.

Felicity and Pippa burst through their bedroom door and when Pippa turned to face Felicity she was more radiant than ever, her brilliant eyes shining and a slight blush illuminating her porcelain skin. It must have been the lingering magic, the head rush that would not disappear, because Felicity felt bolder than she ever had before, bold and invincible, and she took Pippa's face in her hands and kissed her.

Compared to that sensation, the magic was nothing.

At first, Pippa remained still under her touch, but then she began to yield, soft lips moving in synchronicity. Felicity felt it in her whole body, felt Pippa in her flesh and bone and the thrumming of blood in her veins, and when Pippa pulled away, Felicity was startled into breathlessness.

They stared at each other while Felicity tried to remember how to breathe. Pippa's eyes looked almost black in the darkness, stark against her alabaster skin, and filled with horror at what Felicity had done.

"What--" Pippa said, but Felicity was too afraid to let her finish that thought. She took both of Pippa's hands in her own and tried to be gentle, though it wasn't in her nature.

"Pippa," she murmured, "darling Pip," and that was all it took; they moved together like magnets and melted into each other, the realms forgotten in lieu of something bigger, something more.

\---

The most precious time that Felicity shared with Pippa was in the realms. It was never difficult for them to sidle away from Gemma and Ann; Felicity would leave with her archer, and Pippa with her knight, and though Felicity loved learning the art of the arrow and bow, it was never long before she took her leave and went to find Pippa.

One sweet afternoon they were secluded in a glade, Pippa lying on the springy grass while Felicity watched the play of dappled sunlight on Pippa's skin. A gentle breeze rustled the leaves overhead, sending down a cascade of white blossom that turned into butterflies just before they reached the ground.

"I wish I could stay in the realms forever," Pippa said with a heavy sigh. "I don't want to return to the real world, and Mr Bumble."

Felicity smoothed a lock of hair away from Pippa's forehead. She had often entertained the same fancies herself.

"I don't want to marry him." Pippa tilted her head towards Felicity and gazed up at her, imploring. "Fee, he's so stuffy and old. Imagine a life with him!"

Lying down next to Pippa, Felicity said, "You don't have to marry him. It's your hand to give away to whomever you please."

Pippa sighed again. "I wish I could marry my knight."

The words pierced Felicity like a spear. What she wouldn't give to be Pippa's knight! But all the magic in the realms couldn't make it so, and she knew that.

She cupped Pippa's face in her hand and kissed her into silence, emboldened by each responsive movement of Pippa's mouth. Perhaps they could never have a happily ever after, but the present sustained Felicity. They had the realms, the glade and the blossom, the fizz of magic all around them, and Felicity had never been happier. In those times they created their own magic, with the roaming of exploratory fingers discovering pleasures heretofore unknown.

\---

Sometimes under the blanket of night they would lie together on Pippa's bed, separated by nothing but skin. The curve of their bodies tessellated, a perfect fit, and their breathing would relax into a pattern that only they shared.

It was in these times, when they were shrouded in darkness and forgotten to the world, that their blackest fears would tumble out in whispers.

"Fee, this must be wrong." The murmur of Pippa's voice was swallowed by Felicity's skin. "It's unnatural."

"Hush." Felicity's whisper was fierce, silencing both Pippa's fears and her own, and she placed a placatory kiss on Pippa's sleep-warm skin. "It may be unnatural, but how could it be wrong?" Because no matter how many people would disapprove, they were in love, and nothing could be more perfect or more holy.

\---

Many times Pippa said that she would like to stay in the realms forever, but Felicity always dismissed it as idle dreaming. Everyone wanted to escape the constrictions of the mundane world, but Felicity never thought that Pippa would follow through. If Felicity had been there instead of Gemma when Pippa made her choice she would have smacked the berries out of her hands, or else kissed her, tasted the juices, and shared her fate. But she was back in the real world, watching Pippa's body as it was wracked with the spasms of epilepsy until it fell still, and Pippa was gone.

Even in death, her beauty was breath-taking.

When Gemma returned from the realms, she touched a hand to Felicity's shoulder, but Felicity shrugged it away.

"You could have persuaded her to come back," she choked out through sobs. "It didn't have to be this way!"

"There was nothing I could do. There was nothing _anyone_ could do." Gemma's voice was heavy. "But I understand how you feel."

Felicity stared at her through brimming tears, trembling with disbelief. "You understand _nothing_."

\---

Once Pippa had made the realms her home it became much harder, because they had to say goodbye so many times. They still had their time together and Felicity was grateful for each second she could spend with Pippa, but every once in a while Pippa would pull away from a kiss and Felicity would catch a glimpse of what she told Gemma she never saw: a flicker of Pippa's new face, all pointed teeth and bluish pallor. Gemma said it was because Pippa wouldn't cross over, but Felicity suspected otherwise. She blamed herself, and she worried that she too had this true, grotesque face that exposed her sins.

So she told Gemma to be quiet because it was still Pippa, the same old Pip they'd always known, and nothing had changed. Pippa didn't have to be beautiful to be the girl that Felicity loved.

\---

If being away from Pippa was difficult, it was even harder to be with her and watch as she slowly became unrecognisable. Felicity clung to her visits to the realms and the time she had with Pippa, but evil was mounting, and it was inescapable even in their snatched moments together because it all played out on Pippa's face.

"I wish we could go back to how it was before." It wasn't the first time that Felicity had said those words. "This place is changing you, Pip."

"I'm the same girl I ever was, Fee," Pippa replied, and her voice had a new edge of steel. "You just can't bear for me to be happy, or to be more powerful than you."

Felicity looked back at Pippa, a weight of sadness settling around her. "All I ever wanted was for us to be happy together. But the power..." She trailed off, and shook herself. Somewhere in there was the same old essence of Pippa, and she had always been Felicity's weakness. So she kissed her, felt the same old heat, and hoped fervently that the magic of the realms could somehow right this once again.

The next time they met, they said goodbye forever.

\---

Even in the cool of her room, Felicity felt the burn of shame on her face as Gemma stumbled to make sense of Felicity's love for Pip. She didn't blame her for her confusion; it was unnatural and wrong, and Felicity had been justly punished for it with the pain of loss.

"You will love again," Gemma said, but she didn't sound convincing.

"No, I won't," Felicity bit out. "Not like this." Because how could she possibly? Pippa had been her whole world, more than the realms or Spence or London had ever been, and no one could ever take her place. No one ought to. That night, she felt like part of her had been ripped out and thrown into a great abyss, and she knew she would never feel whole again.

\---

Felicity still remembers the flicker of hope she felt when her mother contacted her with the suggestion of moving to Paris after she had finished at Spence.

\---

Paris is everything that Felicity had hoped for: glamour and decadence, all tinged with the sweet taste of freedom. Within her first week there she visited the Moulin Rouge, and for the first time since the realms, she felt at home.

And the Parisian women are to die for, even though there has only ever been one for whom she would die. As she prophesied all that time ago at Spence, she _does_ take many lovers, but none of them are men; everyone she meets, from countess to courtesan, falls under her spell, and she is so enchanted by the lifestyle that she has them all.

It took many months, but eventually Gemma visits from New York, and Ann from London, and with the three of them reunited in the city that has become Felicity's playground, it's almost like old times again. Gemma has found a new purpose in life, and Ann's face glows with confidence borne of the stage, but somewhere underneath they are all still schoolgirls, hot-headed and hopeful, thirsting for romance and adventure.

Felicity receives them in her parlour, wearing the immaculately-tailored trouser suit that was once the talk of society. The secret of Felicity's new life bristles in the air, but Ann, sweet plain Ann made worldly by theatre, breaks the tension with a wry smile.

"I always suspected you were some sort of dreadful degenerate."

Felicity grins. "I should hate to disappoint."

She wonders if Ann knows the whole of it; Gemma does, and from the curious look on her face Felicity knows that Gemma wants to talk of Pippa but doesn't quite dare.

For so long the memory of Pippa had been like a bruise too painful to press, and it surprises Felicity when the memories come flooding back--Pippa smiling, Pippa laughing, Pippa dancing--but the pain is dulled. She would give anything to go back to the those days, to step into the realms and see Pippa's shining face, but after all this time she finds that cherished memories are enough. Romance and adventure. She thinks of Pippa, and she smiles. 

 


End file.
